Saturday, January 31, 2015

Forbearing





Idea: Dari Langit
Penulis: Dazz


Dia insan yang menebar pelbagai rasa. Menjadikan aku mengenal fungsinya kotak fikiran yang harus berfikir; tidak hanya menerima. Dan aku belajar; menerima. Yang buruk itu datang membawa yang baik. Sepertimana hujan yang datang, lalu meninggalkan sang pelangi. Dan yang buruk tidak datang hanya untuk membuatkan kita menangis. Hakikatnya yang buruk itu datang untuk mengajarkan si baik tentang yang bernama ‘kehidupan’…


Memandang raut wajahnya
Ada sendu yang berlagu disudut hati


Telah kita lalui semusim lebat yang menghujan
Dan
Kau dan aku
Sama sama kita bersimpuh
Memohon keampunanNya
Pada khilaf dijejak hari
Yang menjadikan kita jauh dariNya

Dan saat ini aku terbisu dalam duduk
Terbata penuh salah
Saat aku hanya mampu memandangmu
Tak lagi mampu mengejari langkahmu

Tuhan
Tiadakah lagi ruang untuk dia
Kembali padaMu

Tuhan
Aku rindu
Larian kaki kami
Dijalan Mu..

Tuhan
Aku lelah menanti dia
Di penghujung jalan ini
Aku bagai penunggu yang setia
Mengharap dia kembali
Menyambung langkah
Yang pernah kami lewati

Tuhan
Adakalanya aku pasrah
Membiar dia dijejak harinya
Dan saat aku rindu
Air mata menitis
Dan kerana dia satunya abang yang aku miliki

Tuhan
Sering aku tertanya
Bilakah doa kecil ku ini kan menjadi nyata?
Adakah dia masih punya kesempatan?
Dan diSana
Akankah kami bersatu kembali..

Tuhan
Lelahnya jalanan ini
Membuatkan aku berkali tersungkur
Dan jalanan nya
Tak seindah jalanan ku
Saat dia teruji
Dan lemas masih lagi hanyut
Dan aku
Kerana KasihMu
Masih lagi meneruskan langkah
Mencari hentian yang hakiki

Tuhan
Tika semua memandang dia lucu
Ada detak yang mengguris hati ku
Dan saat semua meletak dia salah
Aku tewas membata rasa
Lantas menjatuhkan Mu salah

Tuhan
Maafkan aku..


Langit
Lihatlah insan ini
Sering rapuh dijejak hari
Merintih di teriknya mentari
Dan kini gagal lagi…

Tuhan
Bukan Engkau yang tidak adil
Hanya jiwa kami yang masih terlalu kerdil
Dalam menyelam makna takdir Mu
Dalam menghurai erti syukur atas Nikmat Mu
Untuk menjadi sebenarnya hamba yang berTuhankan Engkau Allah Yang Satu..

Tuhan
Bukan Engkau tidak Kasih
Hanya kami yang tidak berterima kasih..



“Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dari orang orang yang beriman akan jiwa mereka dan harta benda mereka dengan (balasan) bahawa mereka akan beroleh Syurga.” [9:111]


“Hambaku bersabarlah, Aku sedang merancang kehidupanmu..”





©Dazz

Saturday, January 24, 2015

A Love Story




Idea: Dari Langit
Penulis: Dazz

Love that break you;
but still keep you together
Love that creates distances;
but still bring you closer
Love that is true and forever

Reaching out the day, I was realized that I was stepping too far to standing here right now. Every broken and pain that was painted, it grow me up. For the seconds I take, I down my head just having Him in my mind, talking to Him, how grateful I’m as He guide my way, own my heart, never leave me own my destiny leading the days with my parochial.

I don’t have a much memory in childhood story. I didn’t own a laughed that bring me understood what too great for being a kid. As the day pass by day, I just waiting to grow up so that I will get off on what stuck me. And heading up the way, it was not easy as my mind keep painting..

On the day when I feel off, I end up crying along the day. ‘Why must me?’ When I never bother others. When I didn’t take much to the heart for all the things that had been taken off me, for all the things that always bring me down, for all the scars that I hold grudge on my heart. And I didn’t bother to realized that was the day; a beginning of my journey.

People come and leave; that’s how life was going on. I took my journey, and I had him in my days. As the day running away from me, I learn a many things that bring me on myself. It’s hard to chew, but I don’t even know who am I for all the breath that I heals until He gifted me; him.

It’s kind of weird when you have someone that caring you out of sudden. It’s hard to adjust. Not coz of kind-of-ego, but it kind-of-broken. When you never had feelings of belonging, a slice for hurting it will kill you to the death. That’s what I’m used; growing up to live the life without know what the life is, without having a hand to catch me when I about to fall and I choose to stand tough by not letting anybody cross my tiny heart when I know, I was too fragile of broken. And I keep praying, when the day will come, I had a firm to stand up. And He never dispoint me when He never leave me alone, walk the days..

I had him, on my searching. A mysterious gifted that He give. A gift that hard to understand, as he never talked to me on what I have to be but silently touches my heart on the way he is. I didn’t have much about him when I didn’t know how far he will walked on my story; I be an ignorance so that it will not hurt me much when the day I have to let him go, comes. I do a lot of breaking-the-heart to him as I think I did it so I will not broken too much..

As the age getting to older, I have to read the life in many ways. The way that I keep running off, the way that I keep deny, a way that I never wanted to be. And I don’t belong a destiny. As I feel too tired fighting to heading against the real way, it was too hard to start a running when I alredy lost myself on the first line.

Life it’s not a choice. Destiny makes me stand on this way; running away and sometime back to walked when I lost my track. What I had lost, He was replaced. What I don’t know, He gives me the understanding. What I don’t believe, He tested me. So that, I just not reading this life, but feeling it. To touch down my heart on how deep the love is, how love is leading you to Him, what you’re without love..

Own the teen-age; I believe I will do better without a word of ‘love’. I had going through a many years without it and I was standing there by my own; just He and I. Today, I know what I have lost on the past day; I lost my soul. It was the day that too young for me to define what is a life, even in the simple of words. Why should I? When I never know what is love. As it was habblum mina wa Allah and habblum minna nas.

Learn to love and be loved; truly I was a most coward lover. I spent the day just receiving without giving; a truly coward me. I do sing a lot of love songs to Him. And I keep giving up and sometimes broke to blaming Him for the hurt that ambush my heart, for the tears that flow out on my cheeks.  A day that I put a full stop on the word of love, I’m totally give up; it was the day that broke me into pieces. For all the years I put the faith to loving just him, it was too hard to take it. For all the life that I been live, it was too hurting that I can’t ever hold the breath to believe what she had done. When she said it was a mistake, so I cannot cry; the moments kill me into the pieces. I hold the tears, when it just the way you’re not hurting. I spend a day’s sit on the ground, asking Him to hold me, console myself when you are forgot that I am human that own the feelings.

I lost my way. Back to the old day, again I put the word in the dark side of me. Day pass the day it was haunting me; no ending. ‘Why me Rabb?’ As I run away, I end up sitting on the same place. As how tired my hand quench his name, my heart keep spell his name. And when I looking on my precious-loved faced, my tears flow out silently. I know I miss him too much..

Rabb, I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know where to step. My Almighty, please guide me so that I will be a thankful person. It was too hurting to keep this feeling; it was too tired to deny all the things that hold me tightly. Teach me how to step so that I will embrace that destiny smiling.

The day I start walk the destiny on the name of abdillah, I had been fallen so many times and keep giving up. It’s not easy to be on matured aged. Whenever things got you down, you have to continue to steps, when it just the way that you have; to learn, to be a better man.

I had this feeling, from the day I had been sit asking Him to lead my track when I don’t have nothing to hold you, when I not even know who are you; just a faith and believe that He hold on me to be with you. Till this moments, the feeling hold tightly on me, and I don’t know when it will let go of me..

The sadness part of me; when at this moments I held up my head looking at the sky, be creative of the tears; I just can whisper a thanked for all the way that He lead me into who am I right now.

I always ask Him, ‘Why this pains when You said You love me?’ I got the answer in His love letter’s, that’s how He define His love to His slave; a tests. Stepping forward, again I asking Him, ‘Why so hard?’ I truly can’t fight. I turn to be silent. I lost myself. And it takes me weeks to stand and continue my running.

The weeks that drown me, it was painted on my head; forever. Living for three days without souls, it feels like eating just rice. Scrutinized the page of the book intentionly, my finger was numbing on the 1000 dinar pharse; it was the beginning of my journey. Keep recite that phrase, I feel myself. For past three day, finally I got a sleep. Half midnight I been wake up, like I been told to do sunat taubat, I did; again for such a long time. Standing up back, without a slice of thinking, I do sunat istikarah, ‘Luruskan jalan ku yang kian bengkok Rabb..’ It was healing me, much than a medicine. Next day, again I had been wake up for sunat taubat, and sunat istikarah. In the last sujud of the sunat istikarah, I can’t take off my head. He was speaking to me, a moment that make me full with the tears.

‘Tanpa sempat akal mencerna, air mata mengalir bagai tak putus dan masa bagaikan terhenti. Dia berbicara, memujuk hati yang makin carik hari ke hari, mentarbiyyah khilaf diri dengan penuh kelembutan. Saat hanya tangis yang mampu berbicara, hati bagaikan menyentak peti suara untuk sebuah jeritan betapa Dia Maha Pengasih, Allah; Tuhan yang Menciptakan…

He did answer my entire question. I didn’t work hard to be on the track. When I had a lot of sins and make a bunch of wrongdoings, how can I keep asking Him ‘why’? I didn’t own this life. I didn’t own my destiny. How can I take His job then keep blaming Him? How dare me…

He teached me how love brings me near to Him. Love is a pain; the pain that bring me back to Him, asking Him the way, begging Him a forgiveness, learn to hold the believe, just on Him. Love is a tears; a tears that wet my heart so that I will learn how to smile, how to be praised.

Till this day, I still keep fallen. And I was stand up back, to learn; as He always was with me. He had raised me up to more than I can be.

Love that break you;
but still keep you together
Love that creates distances;
but still bring you closer
Love that is true and forever

Finding the love, it was never be on my mind. Standing right now, I’m too grateful for having You in my life Rabb.

I want to hold the way that You paint on me but I know I will break sometimes. Then You teach me how faith will make you stand firm lika a mountains. Unending faith that a slave had on his Creator; a faith that teach me how to believe in love. A believe that Allah will make sure that your love find its way. And all you have to do is just hang in there and wait. Wait for your time..

For the pain that I had, it’s not I seek for the truth and want to find who was right and worng’s. I’m not perfect. I do a lot of mistakes. I want to be forgiven. And I learn to forgive. But it was not easy when you deal with your beloved person, and at the day I find it out I put the full stop. It was not because I didn’t care, just I had know what I’m supposed and the rest part is own to Him and you.

Loving you, I learn to know myself. And the day when I was too upset, I realize how much I owe you. How much I was hurting you, how I have to be thankful for having you on the part of my life. Hanging back on the memory, I wish to have you just as the day I fall in love with you. As for the truth, it was scary me for getting know you day by day. I ever had in my mind to step away, when day by day I was realized that we’re not in the same world. It was not an easy journey to me to reached this part when I had too many feelings to fight that you never know.

Undying love that a man had for a woman
Unflinching love that a woman had for a man
Is where a love story begin


I’m the kind of the person that hold love on the faith and believe as I’m a slave that have unending faith on my Rabb; when I don’t ‘on the game’ to end up as the winner. I’m sorry for all the things that I had done hurting you. I’m sorry for the ignorance that turns you on others. I know to many things that I had done that you hold by yourself; and I was truly sorry from my heart for that. I don’t take any grudge on you, but I owe you a lot. Thank you.

My love, I don’t even know what is the love, till I meet you. To love and be loved, I never stop learning as I told you that I don’t use on that. It was not easy to deep the meaning of the love to my heart, but I learn even though I had fallen many of times, coz I love you; just only you.

Love
Not just a smile and laughed
That painted in your days

Love
Is the pain, broken, hurt, and tears
That hold you up
To stand fight
To believe
The faith on Him
Bring the love on His track
And will find its way
That will come to you
When it was the day

******


Rabbi,
Ada rindu yang terusik
Menjadikan langkah kaki teguh
Adakalanya rapuh

Rabbi,
Teguhkan dia
Dalam loronganMu
Agar dia kembali bangkit saat rebah
Agar dia kembali dalam RedhaMu

Rabbi,
Jalanan ini milikMu
Moga hati ini Kau pandu
Dengan Rahmat dan Kasih SayangMu

Rabbi,
Sejauh mana aku berlari
Sedalam mana aku terluka
Moga hanya Engkau yang aku tuju
Kerana Engkau terlalu aku cintai

Rabbi,
Hakikat menjagakan aku
Menjadi baik itu tak mudah
Dan aku seringkali tewas
Pada nafsu dan asa yang seringkali rapuh
Maafkan hamba hina Mu ini
Moga Engkau terus mencintaiku Illahi
Menjagaku dari hempasan luka
Yang tak kan pernah sunyi dihari hari ku
Saat itulah yang mendidik aku
Menjadi pencinta Mu..







©Dazz

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Standing





It was not easy to fight when you’re missing somebody that you used to love damn much

It’s not about how strong you try to stand firm, because you know someday you will fall and raise up again. How many far I was running away, when I take a break I realized nothing much that I left behind. It’s not easy as what I’m thinking. Actually it was too hard. But I have to console my heart, pretend everything is ok and seems easy. And when I’m sitting alone, it was too pain to hold the tears.

Looking into the sky. Speak on myself. I wonder how people stand strong. I feel too tired that I can’t even breathe normally. It was stuck – don’t know where’s the fire and how I have to work or used on it.

Everyday, I feel I’m lost on myself. I just can laugh when people around me keep complaining how worse I’m getting. If they could read my mind, if they can stand on my feet, they will know how worse I am to stand fight on myself. Truly I can’t even think of people when I have to fight on my head everyday – console myself that I’m strong enough to stand, to steps, going through, just don’t give up. And I’m really sorry for the ignorance that I really don’t mean. It was too hard to explain as I always lost my words each time I want people to understand me. Truly it was more hurting than ignorance that had been the ‘subject’. It was like a crazy man told you to believe him. Honestly will you believe him? Surely not! And I’m that kind of situation..

I laughed in responding people, doesn’t mean I take him for grant when actually I was lost and trying to held myself. Sometimes I wish I could turn this laughed to the tears (so that they will know how was my feeling), but it doesn’t happened when every time I had fallen, there are people that more hurting than me. And how I’m supposed to do? When to stand firm can make them laugh again. I found a reason, a reason why I have to laughed – don’t bother with all the complaining and babbling. A reason, which is, He gifted me, a reason that make me alive. A reason that make me want and have to steps even I know I don’t have nothing.

I’m sorry for being to disappoint to all of you that I used to love a lot. Standing here right now, I’m trying my best even though I know I’m not – to you(s). It’s not easy to smile when you just were fired from your boss. It’s not easy to steps when you just reach your age. It need too much effort, patience and believes. I have lost it once. And I hope it will be the last, insyaAllah.

As the day getting hard, I was become too tired. How I’m going to fight when I don’t believe on myself? And I was hanging here – fighting on myself. Ya Rabb ease my way. Guide me with Your Mercy.



Everyday that I miss him, I have to fight to make a stand – perhaps one day I will wake up with nothing-off-memory in my mind. So that, I will stepping like a newborn baby. A new journey. A new story. A new next chapter in my life.




Dazz